My first HCG injections arrived today. They are being used by my doctor to treat my estrogen and progesterone deficiencies. If you have had repeated miscarriages, post-partum depression, PCOS, severe PMS, or other gynecological issues check out the Pope Paul VI Institute and find a doctor in your area.
A couple of weeks ago one of my junior high students in my religious education class at church asked me an interesting question. She wanted to know if God sometimes does not give us what we want. I told her that sometimes he does not give us what we want because it is not what we need and sometimes gives us what we want either because it is what we need, or we may need to learn a lesson. Yesterday, this question was answered for me.
This morning I felt called to write a letter, really an email, that I have wanted to write for about 10 years. This person was on my mind recently because they are forever linked to my 9-11 relief work days and September can sometimes remind me of him. I don’t mean in a longing or sinful way. I am happily married and I have an amazing daughter. I would not have it any other way and I no longer harbor romantic love for this person. He just hurt me really deeply on multiple occasions over a 7 year period. Much of that time separated by two different branches, continents, and jobs in the military.
Do not abandon yourselves to despair. We are a Resurrection people and hallelujah is our song.
Blessed John Paul II
One of the hardest parts about miscarriage is that for most OB/GYNs you have to have three before they start looking into underlying medical issues. I have had issues my entire reproductive life, but none that would have been really obvious. I had just accepted that periods of severe PMS were just a part of me and I knew that most doctors would just throw the Pill at me, which I was not interested in. So after my miscarriage in February, the doctor finally started testing me for autoimmune, clotting, and a whole host of other disorders, which, not surprisingly, came back normal. He then said he could do a month long hormone panel and then give me fertility drugs if needed. I just did not see how that helped and we were moving anyway, so I was going to have to switch OB/GYNs. Then came Dr. Karen Poehailos.
Today is the day that I find out the results of my month long hormone panel. I am working with a Catholic NaPro doctor whom I met through the Lady Dominicans. My husband and I are about to make the 2.25 hour drive to her office. I have to admit that I am nervous. I think that I am more nervous of her saying to me that she could not find anything wrong with me. That would mean we would know nothing more than we did when we started this process four months ago with me learning Creighton NFP. That would mean that I would have no answer to why I have lost three babies.
I am trying to write as I go through this process. I will write a post on Natural Procreative Technologies (NaPro), which are a form of Catholic Church approved medical interventions for repeated miscarriage, post-partum depression, severe PMS, hormone issues, endometriosis, etc. The most common treatment method from what I understand is natural progesterone given during the second half of a woman’s cycle when she is not pregnant and injections when she is pregnant. That is if a progesterone deficiency is found, which is really what we are looking for in me.
While the process is stressful because of all the unknowns, it was when I was introduced to this option that I began to have hope again. After this last loss, I was starting to accept that I would not have the option of more children whether it be because of my physical or emotional health. Each pregnancy was taking its toll on me. Rough pregnancies, that resulted in loss, and then periods of post-partum depression and anxiety. The last three years have been a roller coaster.
So today I find out if I have a hormone issue. I have had every blood test possible this year. All of which came back normal. While this is not the last step, it is the last step in the easier options. The next options would be genetic testing and structural testing. I have to admit that there is a big part of me that is hoping she will tell me I have a progesterone deficiency. So much of what I have been through in the last 20 years will make so much more sense if that is the case. Miscarriage was just the catalyst to start looking for issues. I have struggled with severe PMS for decades. Most OB/GYNs just throw birth control at women, rather than looking for the actual medical issue. I have never gone on the Pill for medical reasons and never intend to. Some women have to, but I think that these women need to look into NaPro.
I firmly believe that Our Lord has called me to the pro-life ministry and crisis pregnancy ministry. It is something that I have always been passionate about. In high school, when I had to deliver a speech on the abortion issue and why it was deeply immoral to murder the unborn, it became clear to me how deeply this issue has been imbedded in our culture. I was the only person defending life in a classroom of 40 people. I took barrage after barrage of questioning. Never giving in to emotion and sticking to reason. My teacher gave me an A+ and he could not believe how I handled the attacks. My years as a varsity debater had paid off.
Life gets busy. The pace seems to be dizzying some days and weeks. I looked at the calendar yesterday and could not believe that it is almost October. And while the sunlight tells me it is autumn, I cannot help but wonder where summer has gone? Did I sleep through it? Perhaps I was living in a haze of stress and to-do lists? I always think of how we need to slow down on Sundays. Mass is not something we check off of a list. Now that I am teaching junior high religious education, Sunday mornings are, well, busy.
I am sorry to report that the Church does not have an official doctrine on miscarriage and Salvation. Since it is never really mentioned in Revelation, the Church has no official position. If you want to understand how the Church interprets what is in Scripture I suggest reading the Vatican II constitution Dei Verbum. This can be deeply difficult for families who have lost children in miscarriage, especially in light of our understanding of Original Sin. What I aim to do in this post is share with you my own experiences in talking with priests and reading what little I could find that related to miscarriage. The resources are sparse, but there is hope.
When I had my second miscarriage, I immediately went to the priest and asked for him to pray with us. It was all I could do. Truth be told, our priest, who was a holy and godly man, had little experience with miscarriage. He knows a lot more today because I shared my experiences with him. You may have to be the one to enlighten your priest on this issue. We are called to be a Culture of Life that is open to God’s plan and children, but being open to life means that we are vulnerable to loss and the suffering that accompanies loss.
Being the Catholic that I am, I immediately thought of Baptism when I lost Caleb. We would have had him baptized within 6 weeks of his birth. My husband and I take Baptism very seriously. So in my grief and desperation during that miscarriage I tried to baptize what remained of him. After all, Baptism is the only Sacrament that we can administer when necessary. I later learned and realized that Baptism is for the living, and Caleb had died well before the bleeding began. My impulse was to do the right thing even though it was too late.
First trimester miscarriages make it nearly impossible to have a funeral. The miscarriage can come on so suddenly and the body is so tiny that it is difficult to have or find a body to bury. We have not been able to have a funeral for any of our losses. Second trimester or stillborn losses usually allow for a funeral, which you are entitled to. If you have a first trimester miscarriage, at least call your priest and get his blessing and prayers.
The Church does not have a position on where pre-born children go at death. The understanding of Limbo has always been vague and not an official doctrine of the Church. Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI wrote a letter on Limbo in which he leaves the unbaptized to the mercy of God. With everything we know about God, through Revelation, and most especially through Jesus Christ, we know that God loves children and we know that He is merciful. Our priest told me to trust in that and I have chosen to do so.
With my third miscarriage, our parish was in transition with priests, so I was comforted in Confession and chose to visit our former parish priest who had moved in order to discuss my most recent loss. This is a difficult issue. It is one that pastoral care within the Church is seriously lacking and quite frankly, we have to bring it to the attention of our priests and Bishops. In my view, if we are to be open to life, then the Church needs to work to care for and console those who lose children. There is no reason that a family should have to sit and suffer on their own while being a member of the Mystical Body of Christ.
There are a few things that I have found help me. First, name your child. It does not matter if you know for sure whether the child was a boy or a girl. I rely on my motherly intuition and discuss names with my husband according to my gut feeling. Once you have named the child, have them added to the Shrine of the Holy Innocents. They will then be committed to prayer and remembrance. The Shrine will send you a certificate with the name of your child on it, so you have something tangible to remember your child by.
Second, have a Mass said at least once, or even yearly for your child or children. This is especially important if you cannot have a funeral Mass said. It also would be beneficial to organize a Mass each year for families who have lost children. Discuss it with your priest. I promise it will bring healing and peace to many people. It may even help your priest if they have lost siblings or family members in miscarriage. November is a great month to have a Mass said for the dead. Make sure the Mass is advertised as for families who have suffered the loss of a child from pre-born onward.
Third, start a group or ministry at your church that serves families who have or are experiencing loss. I am in the planning stage of starting a small ministry that brings food, support, and the Eucharist to families who are experiencing loss, or just need someone to talk to who has been through it. Since I myself am still grieving, I am taking my time in figuring out how God wants to use me to serve others who have lost children.
Fourth, if you have a later term miscarriage at a hospital, request the remains back so that you can have a funeral. When I had my emergency D&E earlier this year, I was 8 weeks, which means that it was difficult for me to find a body and by the time I had surgery, the body had already passed. They did not find the baby in the post-operative study. So, it was not an option for me. Even if you have to fight with the hospital, do it. You have a right to a Christian burial for your child.
Unfortunately, books related to the Church and miscarriage are sparse. I found this book After Miscarriage and I have read through it a couple of times following my own losses. Our parish priest also told me to read the book Heaven is for Real which is about a 4 year old boy’s near death experience and what he saw in Heaven. It is compelling and it inspires great hope. There is a section that pertains directly to miscarriage in the book. Make sure you have some tissues when you read it. It is a book to read for hope, not theological understanding. The Rosary is a good place to start too. Rote prayer is very helpful during grief. It allows you not to think so much about the words, but more about healing and strength. I wrote about the Sorrowful Mysteries and this might be helpful in the early stages or on an anniversary. I also found this prayer by Mother Angelica that I have found very helpful:
“My Lord, the baby is dead! Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord? “Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why. You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.” I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.”
I wish that I had more answers for you, but I don’t. Trust in God’s mercy and love. Remember Christ said, “Let the little children come to me.” When I am at Mass I try to think about my children being gathered around the altar. After all, when we are at Mass we step into the Heavenly Liturgy. Scott Hahn’s The Lamb’s Supper is a great book to help you understand the connection between Heaven and earth in the Mass. It gives great hope that at the Mass our children are not far away and they too celebrate with us. The Eucharist supersedes time and is eternal. I hope this post gives you a starting point. Talk to your priest, even if it is difficult and they struggle in helping you. Maybe God is calling you to show them an area they need to minister to their flock. May God bless you always in your journey.
I know that I am doing something right in moments like the one I experienced this afternoon. My two year old daughter came up to me and handed me a cross shaped piece of pumpkin vine. She pointed to it and said, “Jesus”. My heart melted and I was so proud. These are moments that strengthen me in my vocation. It is easy as a parent to look out at the Fallen world and feel like it is impossible to keep our children committed to Christ. I think that Our Lord reminds me through my daughter that I must persevere and by His grace she will walk the path of holiness to Sainthood and the Beatific Vision. What a blessing my daughter is and I am so thankful that God chose to give her to me, as unworthy as I am. Happy Saturday!
When I started writing this series on miscarriage, I did not know where it would go. I just started typing. I let my heart do the talking and my fingers do the telling. A friend said to me that writing it down may be a form of healing for me, and I think that she is right. It has been a really stressful year for my family. We are at a point where we expect an emergency or tragedy every month. It has made it difficult for me to really grieve and heal from my most recent loss. Perhaps taking the time to share my experiences with others is helping. I do not write as someone who has all of the answers. Like most people, I am struggling through the questions, the doubts, and the pain. I have moments of clarity followed by moments of despair. This life is a journey, grief is a journey. Being purified in the furnace of suffering is deeply difficult, even if it makes me or anyone else a much deeper person and unites us more fully to Christ.
