Saying Good-Bye to Homeschooling and Learning Obedience

There are times when we must truly confront ourselves and ask serious questions of ourselves and God. I found myself doing that a bit ago as I sat on my bedroom floor trying to sort out some decisions that I need to make about how to proceed in certain areas of my life. I’m constantly asking God if I am doing what He is asking of me and to show me where I am failing or misunderstanding. I fail frequently. I fall into temptation all too easily and I take my eyes off of Him much to often.  It’s easy to do. We are all amazing masters of self-deception. A friend and I decided self-deception is our super-power or at least something we are super at.

My daughter and I have hit a brick wall when it comes to homeschooling. She is extremely stubborn and strong-willed, which she comes by honestly. We fight daily in school, chores, daily Mass, you name it, chances are we are struggling through a battle of wills. It’s exhausting and demoralizing for both of us. It’s the two of us day-in-and-day out locking horns and this is not the path I want for either of us us. Not only is it an impediment to our relationship that could eventually cause long-term harm, it is a spiritual impediment for both of us. It is a major source of discord and unrest in our home. I frequently pray for peace in our home.

She is also terribly lonely. For the last four years her best friend has lived next door. This has lessened the grief she carries from losing four siblings in miscarriage, something that she talks about almost daily right now. That longing for companionship and connection with other kids her age was fulfilled through that friendship. It has now changed considerably and we only see her friend at soccer for reasons largely outside of my control.

I’ve been praying for new female friends her age for her. In our homeschool Coop and our circle of friends the children close to her age are all boys and while those friendships are fine and good–I’ve had close male friends since childhood–girls need girls and boys need boys in friendship. She’s spent today building science experiments and creating her own costumes, but most days she is sad and dejected. School is like pulling teeth and she repeatedly tells me she hates school.

I finally had to admit that change is needed and that change is she needs to go to school. For me, public school isn’t an option. Things have deteriorated considerably since I was in public school. I briefly taught in public school and there are aspects of the culture both within the teachers and the students that I don’t want my daughter around at this age. There are good public schools, but it’s never been an option for us. Instead we had to enroll her in the very costly local Catholic school, which will come with its own challenges. We can always return to homeschooling in the future, but for right now, Catholic school is the best option for her.

She was able to visit the school for an entire day. She met her future classmates and her teacher. At the end of the day when I picked her up, she was beyond excited to start school there and wanted to know when she could start. Every single day since her visit she has been asking me when she can start. This coming Tuesday is her first official day in the school.

There are times God calls us to make major changes that we never expected. My plan–that seems laughable now–was to homeschool her through her senior year of high school. She would have been enrolled for online classes for those subjects such as higher level Math that I can’t teach her. That’s how I always imagined the next decade of our lives. But now the path before me is darkened and I don’t know what God is asking of me personally other than to let go and put her in school. That I’ve done, but the next phase of my life is still obscured from my view. I now have many hours of the day to fill. Reading, prayer, and writing will be tasks to fill the time while I wait for God to reveal His will for me.

I’m thankful that I homeschooled her for three years. She needed that time being close to home. She needed to be with us while my husband was deathly ill last year. Now she is ready to go to class with other students and walk a bit more on her own. And I have a Master’s degree that I need to figure out how to use in order to help pay for her tuition. It’s been a major lesson in obedience. God hasn’t shown me the path. He’s only shown me what I am supposed to do right now in this moment. I must simply assent and do it.

He gives me smaller tasks in obedience that teach me to not ask so many questions and just do. God is pure act and our response is also meant to be action grounded in charity. Our Heavenly Mother makes haste in her responses to God. We are meant to do the same thing when His will becomes clear to us. Yesterday he asked me to do something small by giving away the final two relics in my care quite literally after I wrote about those relics on Thursday. It came as a clear directive out of nowhere in prayer–no, not a locution–and rather than ask why, I was to simply do it. It was identical to when I was asked to give away guardianship of the first class relic of St. Monica that I had requested guardianship of for myself.  I expected that I would pass that relic onto my daughter one day.

In the end those relics are destined to be venerated by more of the faithful than they would be in our home. The timing of the request made little sense to me since it hadn’t been asked of me up to that point, but I knew quite clearly that I was to simply obey. It’s a small lesson in the middle of this massive life change that I am undergoing. I’m simply to do what is asked of me and wait.

In fact, if there is one word that would sum up my spiritual life this year it would be obedience. I ask too many questions. It’s one of the hazards of possessing the extremely quick, analytical, and questioning mind that God gave me. I want to know why. I want to understand things that happen to me that I simply do not understand. I’ve had spiritual experiences this year that are nothing short of extraordinary, but I keep wanting to know why and the minute I ask everything evaporates and what can only be seen through the eyes of faith is veiled. St. Therese alludes to this reality in The Story of a Soul.

If we grasp and constantly seek the why, then the gifts God gives to us often slip between our fingers. At times, even verbalizing them can cause them to quickly slip away. We can only receive and be open to such gifts. We won’t always get to know the why or the how. And for someone who asks why a lot, obedience, acceptance, and receiving without grasping are essential spiritual lessons. I can’t progress spiritually until I understand that if I want to truly see the world and others with the eyes of Christ, then I have to let go and accept that much of this life is shrouded in mystery, including what God has in store for me in the coming months and years. I am simply to do what God asks of me, which is to respond in love.

First Grade: The Homeschooling Journey Continues

My five year old daughter started First Grade yesterday. We have been homeschooling for a year. Kindergarten was very relaxed because I didn’t want to force her too quickly into a rigid school routine. She was interested in starting some school at three and became very interested at four. To my delight, not so much surprise, she breezed through Kindergarten and was ready to jump into First Grade early. The reasons we homeschool are vast. Some of these reasons include: religious conviction (this is the biggest), conscience issues, intellectual rigor, immorality within the culture, and the desire to go at our daughter’s pace.

Thankfully, we live in a state where homeschooling is respected and we live in great freedom. We do homeschool under a religious exemption and I applied under Virginia state code with my local school board using a variety of quotes from Popes and other Catholic resources. The great gift of the Church’s 2000 year history! It makes finding resources easy. Our exemption was granted with no trouble at all. It is very difficult to argue conscience of homeschooling with a Catholic because the Church has made it very clear that it is the parents’ right and duty to school their children in the manner they see fit and which will lead their children to Heaven. That latter part can be something we forget at times.

Part of homeschooling is to focus on going at the child’s own natural pace. My husband and I knew from birth that our daughter is smarter than both of us combined. While this does invoke some level of pride in us, some good and some bad, having a very smart kid comes with interesting problems and times of great comic relief. There’s nothing quite like your child pointing out your errors from a very young age. In fact, yesterday I was on the phone with my husband explaining to him a situation in which I felt powerless. When I hung up the phone, my daughter said to me: “Mommy, only God has power.” I was momentarily stunned into silence and then told her she was absolutely right.

Since I am a newer homeschooling mom, I try to read a lot of different books by veteran homeschoolers. I have read books on unschooling. I have read books on classical education of which I am a fan. I have read books on discipline and the need for tight schedules. I have read books on monastic living within the domestic church and the list goes on and on. These books have been helpful to a point, but really they tend to point to the author’s individual preferences over any universal necessity or practice in homeschooling. There is a need in day-to-day living and the spiritual life to instill discipline from an early age. Even though I was in the Navy for 6 years, I still struggle with discipline. One of the real difficulties is finding books that fully apply to us. I can learn a good amount from a mother with 10 children, but her situation is drastically different from my own. Homeschooling an only child comes with great blessings and difficulties that differ greatly from a large family.

First, I do not have older children or younger children who my daughter can learn from throughout the day, weeks, months, and years. Many of these moms discuss the great gift of learning from siblings, of which I have no doubt, but at this point it is God’s will for us to have only one child and that may remain. I do not know. We are looking into adoption, but just like my fertility, these things are entirely up to God. So the gift of a large family is wholly unhelpful to me and at times is painful for me since one child was never our plan. In all honesty, It makes it hard for me to want to attend a Catholic homeschooling conference since all of the speakers seem to have 6-10 children while the rest of us with one child or small families, through no fault of our own, are not represented in the speakers. My other friends who homeschool one or two children feel the same way.

Second, since it is just my daughter and me, there are times she is going to get tired of me and there will be burn out.There will also be burn out for me. Let’s be honest, homeschooling is something we are called to and it is by the grace of God that we are successful and survive. This is precisely why I cannot express enough gratitude and extol the blessings of our local Catholic homeschool coop.

Mondays are Coop day and while it is exhausting and crazy, it allows my daughter to be in a classroom with other kids of a variety of ages–I might add. She learns from other teachers on a whole host of subjects, many of which I do not do at home. This year she is learning Art, Italian, Classroom Concepts, as well as two programs we are doing at home, Harcourt Science (I am her teacher at Coop for this) and Classical Catholic Memory (CCM). She learns from me at home four days a week: Reading, Math, Religion, Science, Spelling, Writing, Art Appreciation, and CCM (a memory program that includes Latin, Religion, History, Science, Math, Poetry, and Geography each week). Coop gives her the opportunity to spend time with friends and to communicate with a wide age range of people from 3-18, as well as adults.  There are over 30 kids in our Coop. Each Monday, she spends all day with other kids and moms and we both get a break and guidance as we go through this homeschooling adventure.

This year’s journey has only just begun. She seems to enjoy learning, and because it is just the two of us, we are done for the day by lunchtime. I am sure we will hit bumps on the road frequently. There will be days she isn’t as interested or a topic is a bit of a struggle. That is when we can take our time and down shift or up shift depending on her needs. Her being ahead allows for flexibility in future years. If she hits a subject in junior high or high school that is difficult for her, then we can take two years if we need to. She will graduate at 16 based on where we are now, but homeschooling her means that we can move her back to 18 if we need to. The point is to stay at her pace, so that she can foster a life-long love of learning from a very early age rather than become frustrated by either being ahead or behind. Pray for us. Like I said, no homeschooling family would ever pretend that it is an easy road. It is deeply difficult and one completely dependent on God, but it is rewarding, and in my view, the most assured (there are no guarantees, we can only do our best and rely on God’s grace) in keeping our daughter on the path to holiness in later life.



Letters from Homeschool: Jumping from Preschool to Kindergarten

Child reading  pile of books.

Last month I formally, well, semi-formally, started to home-school my 4 year old daughter. We did letter crafts and other activities over the past year, but it wasn’t a set curriculum I was using. I had decided to order the Catholic Heritage Curriculum for Pre-school to get us started. The set came with what we needed, including lesson plans. I started looking through the workbooks and noticed, much to my wallet’s chagrin, that Michaela already knew most of what was provided in the Pre-school packet. I told my husband that I needed to buy some Kindergarten materials to supplement. He told me to wait a little while to get into a routine. I agreed.

In the beginning it was a bit difficult to get her going, but then out of nowhere, her learning exploded. She started writing letters and drawing non-stop. She began to grasp sounds and was retaining a ton of information. Even though she would battle me at times during school, I found that she was absorbing it anyway. My husband and I knew that God had given us a very bright daughter. In fact, I often tell people that she is smarter than my husband and me put together. I struggled to find materials to keep her busy and I cut back our time at Co-op because she is ahead in much of what is offered for her age.

So here we are mid-October and I absolutely have to jump her into Kindergarten. Yes, she is 4. The temptation is to just let her have a year of freedom and wait to start until next year when she is 5. The problem is that she wants to learn. She keeps telling me that she wants to be able to read. So, sure, I could hold her back, but why would I? Yes, we home-school because we have concerns about the public school environment these days. My husband and I both went to public schools and things have changed drastically since our time. While our Catholic faith is a part of our reasoning, my biggest reason for homeschooling is to teach her at her pace.

Human beings are not carbon cutouts of one another. Some kids her age are still mastering colors and learning to count to 5. Some kids are already reading at her age. I want her to learn at her pace, not some arbitrary pace set by some bureaucrats who really don’t care about sound education. Pardon my cynicism after having taught in public schools briefly which resulted in my radical shift away from teaching high school.

I have decided to encourage her and teach her at her pace. At this point she will graduate a year early, but in reality we may hit a year where she really struggles in a subject. Then we have the option to put on the brakes and focus, even take an extra year if we have to. Part of the beauty of home-schooling is that the child leads in their own education. She may get to high school and stumble over Geometry and Trigonometry like I did, or she may breeze right through it. She may need time to emotionally mature and we can slow down so she doesn’t graduate too early, or she may be ready for whatever vocation God calls her to.

I was sitting in the waiting room at the optometrist’s office the other day listening to my daughter talk to a fellow patient. She was writing down letters and sounds for this woman and the woman was shocked that she is 4. I said we home-school and she said now it made sense. It’s not that intelligent people don’t go to public schools. Plenty of intelligent kids go to public schools or private schools. The problem is that many of those kids are bored to tears because they are ahead or frustrated because they cannot keep up. There are a good many who are content in the middle. Why shouldn’t education meet the needs of each individual and unique human being? Quite frankly, it should. That includes in technical areas that don’t require a college level education.

At this point my daughter is ready for Kindergarten and I am along for the ride. Homeschooling isn’t easy and I have days that I need serious patience, but then she shows me that she is learning even if she is having a battle of wills with me. What an amazing, difficult, and sanctifying journey we are on. Pax Christi.