Catholic Exchange: The Profound Agony of Miscarriage

I have been in the Outer Banks for the last few days spending some time with the family on the beach. I haven’t had a chance to post my most recent Catholic Exchange article so here it is:

I am writing this article because I know that I am not alone. I know that even in the midst of my deep grief and agony, there are others like me. I have just lost my fourth child to miscarriage. I don’t have profound spiritual insight to offer right now. Even though I am a student theologian, I won’t be offering theological explanations today. That will come later when the pain is less acute. For now, the pain, sorrow, and intense suffering must run its course.  I want to explain the agony of miscarriage. First, this is to minister to those who suffer with me, and second, it is to explain that a miscarriage is the loss of a child; something that needs to be explained to a culture that has dehumanized unborn babies.

We live in a culture that tells me I did not lose a child. We are told that my husband and I lost a blob of tissue and that is all. A mother knows better. A mother knows that she was united to that child from the moment of conception and a mother knows the intense and immediate love she has for the child from the very beginning. A mother (and a father) knows the wonder and joy of the tiny heartbeat of her baby flickering on the ultrasound screen. The very same beating heart that can be seen by some ultrasound technology at 5.5 weeks pregnant. This may be inconvenient for the culture of death, but it is reality all the same. I’ve seen it with my own eyes and wondered at the beauty of my child on the screen.

This miscarriage seemed crueler in some ways than my others. My third was the most traumatic in that I hemorrhaged and needed emergency surgery. This one my husband and I were given the joy of seeing the heartbeat, a strong heartbeat, on the ultrasound screen. We saw it not once, but twice. There was our child with his heartbeat growing stronger two weeks in a row. Then the spotting started. I tried to reason it away. I read forums and talked to friends who told me that spotting can be normal in the first trimester. Then the spotting gave way to streaks of bright red blood and I knew deep down what was going on.

My husband and I rushed to the ER, as my OB/GYN’s office instructed us. The ER staff got me right back. They began their work drawing blood and ordering tests. I knew the drill. I had been there before many times. Then the ultrasound tech came to take me back for an ultrasound to check the baby’s heartbeat. When you’ve been through enough of these you can see it on the staff’s face and in their mannerisms when something is wrong. When an ultrasound tech does not talk to you during the test it means the baby has died.

Read the rest over at Catholic Exchange.

Giving Up the Blog

sound-of-music-goodbye

I have been in a major pruning phase lately. If I don’t need it, or if it is not adding to my already heavy workload, then it needs to be cut. I wrote a blog yesterday on The Responsibility of Catholic Writers and I once again started to consider my own place as a writer. I have never been much of a blogger. I have tried different formats, but in reality, I am a formal writer. I prefer to do researched articles or pieces, whether they are theological in nature or something to help people on the path to holiness. I was really struggling to find my voice when Michael Lichens at Catholic Exchange recruited me. I was shocked because it was one of my favorite Catholic sites and I had made it a year goal to get a submission to them. In a great turn of events, I have been writing nearly weekly for them since April. I love writing for CE. It is a wonderful fit for me and I really believe in their mission.

Since I began writing as a contributor at CE and submitting pieces elsewhere it has become increasingly more difficult for me to keep up a personal blog. I am already a graduate student, homeschooling my daughter, and writing two books. I have a full plate of writing projects. Writing an article like the ones I write at CE takes a lot more time than a blog post. I have to read or re-read Church documents, biographies, or other works before I can even begin writing. There is a definite research component and then I spend the hours needed to write the piece. It just doesn’t leave a lot of extra time for blogging here.

I think I finally need to admit that I don’t particularly like being a blogger. I am thankful that this blog has opened up avenues that I had never previously dreamed of and that God has blessed me through this endeavor. It was my theological response in charity to an error that changed everything for me. Michael and I find it amusing that he recruited me because I criticized one of the pieces at CE for theological confusion. God has a sense of humor.

I don’t particularly like blogging because I just don’t use social media much these days. That is one of the main avenues for getting work out to the masses. I deleted my Facebook pages and I plan to delete Twitter this morning. I use Pinterest for recipes and homeschooling ideas. The huge uptick in views on my blog over the last few months is quite simply because people read one of my articles at CE, or one that has been picked up elsewhere, and they stop by. I don’t have the time to offer the same quality pieces on a daily basis here on the blog. I will have more time after grad school. This month is looking to be the highest views I have ever had since doing this blog. In my mind that means I am doing double duty. I don’t particularly want my own blog per say. I really enjoy being a part of a larger mission at places like Catholic Exchange, and when I have the time, Crisis Magazine, First Things, and other more formal Catholic sites. Catholic Exchange is one of the largest Catholic platforms on the Internet. Why not focus on their beautiful mission, instead of my own blog?! It’s nice to see when an article gets picked up by uCatholic, New Advent, The American Conservative, or other sites where people have shared my work. It has been an awe-inspiring and humbling ride so far and sanctifying because pride is always a danger for writers, most especially me.

It actually feels pretty good to admit that I am not a blogger and don’t particularly enjoy it. There are bloggers whose websites have really helped me over the years and will continue to do so. I would rather serve and write articles that I am good at, and those are of a more formal and researched nature. There is nothing wrong with that. It is how God made me. Giving up on the battle with this blog also frees up more time for the two books that I have started in earnest, most especially the book I am writing on miscarriage. Blogging takes up valuable time. I guess I am more old-school. I like to write articles and books. I love paper!

I do want to thank each and every person who has stopped by and those who have left comments or emails. I appreciate the encouragement that you have given me and I will be sure to give Michael my email address so that people can still email me. I will leave this content up for a bit. I do get a lot of visitors on the days I post beauty themes, so I will keep those available for a while. I’ve paid for the domain, so why not?!

So here ends my journey as a blogger and a new phase as a writer begins. I pray God blesses all of you on your journey to holiness. Pax Christi.

9 Articles to Help You on the Spiritual Journey October 12-18

path-in-the-woods-13615460746I3Here is this week’s installment of articles and blog posts to help you on the spiritual journey. Enjoy! Pax Christi.

Where the Rosary Appears in Lord of the Rings, Br. Joseph Bernard Marie Graziano, O.P. Word on Fire/Dominicana

Giving Up on Prayer, Roman Catholic Spiritual Direction

Make Your Work an Act of Worship, Fr. M. Raymond, O.C.S.O., Catholic Exchange

Year of Mercy Extraordinary Graces, Fr. Ed Broom, OMV, Catholic Exchange

Be Hopeful Despite Everything, Steve Greene, Crisis Magazine

Some Spiritual Truths that Will Set You Free-A Meditation on a Teaching by St. John of the Cross, Msgr. Charles Pope, Archdiocese of Washington DC

Blindfolding God, Br. Jonah Teller, O.P., Dominicana

The Vulnerable & Rejected God: Power Made Perfect in Weakness, Chris Hazell, Word on Fire

Pope Francis and True Mercy, Bishop Robert Barron, Word on Fire

8 Articles/Blogs to Help You on the Spiritual Journey Oct 5-11

eucharistic-adoration-wallpaper-high-resolution

I am going to start a new weekly update on my blog of articles or blogs I see that will help you on the journey to holiness. I have noticed that a lot of the places that collect Catholic blogs and articles focus on news and politics. I think there is a need for Catholic writers to also focus on the mission, which is a life of holiness and evangelization. There are many wonderful articles available each week, if you look, that provide spiritual guidance from the saints, the Church, and daily life. Here are a few from October 5-11.

The Ultimate Challenge: A Heroic Life as Spiritual Fathers, David McClow at Catholic Exchange
Be Perfect…Really?, Br. Timothy Danaher, O.P. at Dominicana
The Beads and Repetition of the Rosary, Romano Guardini at Catholic Exchange
A Lamp for My Feet, Br. Ambrose Arralde, O.P. at Dominicana
The Man of Wasteful Love, Dr. Tom Neal at Word on Fire
Enemies of the Cross of Christ, Sam Guzman at The Catholic Gentleman
Saints are Still Being Made, K.V. Turley at Crisis Magazine
God Wants Me to Be Happy-A Reflection on a Deeply Flawed Moral Stance, Msgr. Charles Pope, Archdiocese of Washington DC

Pax Christi

Catholic Exchange: St. John Paul II on the Power of the Rosary

The Rosary of the Virgin Mary, which gradually took form in the second millennium under the guidance of the Spirit of God, is a prayer loved by countless Saints and encouraged by the Magisterium. Simple yet profound, it still remains, at the dawn of this third millennium, a prayer of great significance, destined to bring forth a harvest of holiness. It blends easily into the spiritual journey of the Christian life, which, after two thousand years, has lost none of the freshness of its beginnings and feels drawn by the Spirit of God to “set out into the deep” (duc in altum!) in order once more to proclaim, and even cry out, before the world that Jesus Christ is Lord and Saviour, “the way, and the truth and the life” (Jn 14:6), “the goal of human history and the point on which the desires of history and civilization turn.”

So begins St. John Paul II’s Apostolic Letter, Rosarium Virginis Mariae, which was promulgated on October 16, 2002, just a couple of years before his death. October is the month the Church devotes to the Holy Rosary and the Feast of Our Lady of the Rosary falls on October 7th. It is a prayer and devotion that has changed the lives of many. It is to walk the life of Christ through the eyes of His Mother. Our eyes are ever fixed on Our Savior, but under the loving guidance of the Mother He gave us on the Cross. St. John Paul II referred to devotion to the Rosary as a “genuine training in holiness” that guided Christians in the contemplation of the great mysteries of our Faith.

Read the rest over at Catholic Exchange.

Catholic Exchange: St. Therese of Lisieux Teaches Us to Live Simply in Great Love

St. Therese of Lisieux was born on January 2, 1873 in Alencon, France. Her parents Louis and Zelie Guerin Martin are to be canonized by Pope Francis later this month. They had nine children, but only five survived to adulthood. The survivors were all girls and eventually every single one would enter into religious life. Therese did struggle early on with her health, but she became stronger as time went on. Therese and her sisters were greatly blessed in the pious home their parents kept. They lived simply, but in great devotion to Our Lord and Our Lady. Zelie died of breast cancer when Therese was four years old and it began the saddest years of her life. She became overly sensitive and cried easily. This would be her battle for ten years, when at fourteen, she found the grace and strength to overcome this oversensitivity and truly began to live her journey of spiritual freedom.

Louis Martin sacrificed and served his daughters in order to provide what they needed after their mother’s death, including spiritual and emotional support. Therese often went on picnics, fishing, walking, to visit the Blessed Sacrament, and on vacations with her father. He called her his “little queen” and while he doted on her, he did so without spoiling her. In turn, she greatly admired and loved her father. This relationship between Therese and Louis played a foundational role for her future in religious life.

Therese had desired to be a nun starting at the age of three. It became a certainty at the age of fourteen and she was convinced that it was time to enter the convent. It was difficult for Louis to give up all of his daughters to the convent, but he knew Therese’s vocation and while sad, he supported her decision. Her age was not an issue for the nuns, but she had to convince her uncle and the bishop that she was mature enough to enter into religious life. She had no answer by the time Louis took Celine, her sister, and her on a pilgrimage to Rome. While there on November 20, 1887 they had a papal audience. They were forbidden from speaking to the Holy Father, but Therese could not resist. She knelt before the holy father with tears streaming down her face and said: “Holy Father, I have a favor to ask you….In honor of your jubilee, permit me to enter Carmel at the age of fifteen.” The people in attendance were stunned and irritated by her outburst, but the Holy Father responded: “Well, my child, do what the superiors tell you!” St. Therese was not deterred. “Oh! Holy Father. If you say yes, everybody will agree!” He said, “Go, go, you will enter if God wills it.” She would have persisted, but a priest and guards had her removed. Such was the determination of Therese to enter the convent. She left Rome dejected, sure that she had failed in her mission. She did not know that her zeal had impressed many. While she experienced opposition, her dream became a reality, and at the age of fifteen she entered the Lisieux Carmel.

Read the rest over at Catholic Exchange.

Catholic Exchange: The Maternal Love of Our Lady and the Church

The Church celebrates two Marian feast days in August: Assumption and The Queenship of the Blessed Virgin Mary. There is an inextricable link between the Church and Our Heavenly Mother, Mary. In fact, much of what has been said about the Church can also be applied to Our Lady. One of the closest connections between Our Lady and the Church is in the sanctifying maternity of both.

Mary carried Christ for the salvation of the world, just as the Church carries Christ in the Holy Eucharist. Mary has always been an example to the Church that is only superseded by Christ Himself. Lumen Gentium 53 states:

The Virgin Mary, who at the message of the angel received the Word of God in her heart and in her body and gave Life to the world, is acknowledged and honored as being truly the Mother of God and Mother of the Redeemer. Redeemed by reason of the merits of her Son and united to Him by a close and indissoluble tie, she is endowed with the high office and dignity of being the Mother of the Son of God, by which account she is also the beloved daughter of the Father and the temple of the Holy Spirit. Because of this gift of sublime grace she far surpasses all creatures, both in heaven and on earth. At the same time, however, because she belongs to the offspring of Adam she is one with all those who are to be saved. She is “the mother of the members of Christ . . . having cooperated by charity that faithful might be born in the Church, who are members of that Head.” Wherefore she is hailed as a pre-eminent and singular member of the Church, and as its type and excellent exemplar in faith and charity. The Catholic Church, taught by the Holy Spirit, honors her with filial affection and piety as a most beloved mother.

Read the rest over at Catholic Exchange…

Catholic Exchange: St Maximilian Kolbe, Heroic Witness to Our Lady

I have not blogged a whole lot this summer. I have August off from graduate school, so I am only writing pieces for Catholic Exchange, Epic Pew, and Catholic Link until September. I will return to blogging then. For now I am having fun with my daughter and catching up on deep cleaning projects around the house. Here is my article for Catholic Exchange today.

St. Maximilian Kolbe was born on January 8, 1894 in Zdunska Wola, Poland. His entire life was centered on his great love and devotion to Our Lady through her Immaculate Conception. At the age of six he had a vision of her:

That night I asked the Mother of God what was to become of me. Then she came to me holding two crowns, one white, the other red. She asked me if I was willing to accept either of these crowns. The white one meant that I should persevere in purity, and the red that I should become a martyr. I said that I would accept them both.

—Regis Armstrong and Ingrid Peterson, The Franciscan Tradition, 50

Kolbe and his older brother entered the Conventual Franciscans in 1910 and he made his final vows to the evangelical counsels of poverty, obedience, and chastity in 1914. He was then sent to Rome to study at the Pontifical Gregorian University where he pursued a doctorate in Philosophy. He then continued on to receive a doctorate in Theology at the Pontifical University of St. Bonaventure in 1922.

Read the rest over at Catholic Exchange…

Catholic Exchange: Christ and Marriage in a Time of War

I have been watching the plight of persecuted Christians in the Middle East and elsewhere for a while now. About a year ago, some friends and I organized a grassroots campaign to raise awareness for their plight, as well as raise money for the Catholic Near East Welfare Association (CNEWA). We called the project Help Nasara in honor of the Arabic ن (pronounced “noon”) painted on people’s houses in Syria and Iraq to identify them as Christian so that they could be forcibly converted, live in dhimmitude, or face martyrdom.

It can be difficult for those of us who live quiet and comfortable lives in the West to comprehend or even ponder the unspeakable terror and violence these people live with every single day. It is not something we have experienced and we can easy fall into an “it’s over there” mentality. For Christians, however, this is not a correct understanding of the Mystical Body. These Christians are not a “them” they are in fact “us” in a very real way. We are all united in communion with Christ as our head. They are our brothers and sisters in a way that runs deeper than blood, but that is also bound in the blood of Our Savior, Jesus Christ. Our blindness to them is a great dishonor to the Church and to them. While most of us cannot run to Syria, Iraq, Nigeria, the Ukraine, or other regions; we can pray, fast, raise awareness, and give alms within our means. We can also pay close attention to their witness because they are teaching us, and the world, something truly profound.

Last Friday I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed when a posting of three pictures caught my attention. They were photographs of a wedding at St. George’s Church in Homs, Syria. The church was completely bombed out. There was no roof, no windows, no altar; there were only bare stone walls still standing. One of the pictures showed the surrounding buildings which were also bombed out and reduced to rubble in areas. What caught my attention was the picture of the couple standing before the priest to be joined in Holy Matrimony.

There is no doubt that all in attendance have lost much during the Syrian Civil War that continues to rage on today. Many have lost family, friends, homes, churches, and nearly everything. The couple themselves have probably lost much, and yet, there they stood in hope. Rather than despair and focus on what has been lost, they have chosen to stand up and come together in conjugal communion, even if it is only for one day. I could see the face of Christ clearly in their witness. It is truly an awe-inspiring witness to the true definition of marriage, to the Blessed Trinity, the love Christ has for the Church, and the power of the Cross.

God has constantly referred to His love for His people in marital language. The Jewish people were His Bride and often they were “adulterous” when they gave into sin and idolatry. The covenant God has established between His people and Himself is the basis for the theological understanding of the Sacrament of Marriage and the reason the Church teaches as she does about the nature of marriage. A man and woman coming together is to mirror the communion God has established with His Church and the communion that is in Him through the Blessed Trinity.
Read the rest over at Catholic Exchange…

Catholic Exchange: Learning Prudence from Miscarriage, Post-Partum Depression, and NaPro

Two and a half years ago after my last miscarriage, I decided to stop and visit a priest friend of mine who had recently been re-located from our parish. During our visit, he told me something that I had not even considered, nor wanted to consider. It was simply: “Constance, God may only want you to have one child.” He had been our parish priest through two of my miscarriages and he had been the priest to come see me when, unbeknownst to a great many people, I wound up an in-patient at a psychiatric hospital just weeks after having my daughter because I had severe post-partum depression and anxiety. My anxiety was crippling and I could barely function. My priest friend was seeing something that I just didn’t want to see at the time and that is, God has given me a Cross and I need to decide how to live with it and that means making prudent decisions while also trusting in His love and plan for my life.

A couple of months after that visit, a Natural Procreative Technologies (NaPro) physician introduced herself to me. She had heard through the grapevine that I had experienced repeated miscarriage and she was confident that she could help me. I was stunned and had a bit of hope after 2.5 years of devastating losses. She ran an extensive battery of blood tests on me and discovered that I have very low estrogen and progesterone levels. In fact, she told me she was shocked that I had even gotten pregnant to begin with. She prescribed me HCG shots to give myself four times a month in the second half of my cycle. The progesterone corrected immediately, but the estrogen did not and she wanted me to go on estrogen. I wasn’t comfortable with that at the time. We were not actively trying to get pregnant because I was battling post-partum from my recent miscarriage in which I had hemorrhaged and required emergency surgery. Estrogen comes with a one page warning of cancer risks. While that may mainly mean women in menopausal years, it gave me serious pause. My doctor and I decided to wait to use it until we were looking to get pregnant.

Read the rest over at Catholic Exchange…