A Response to Feminism’s Clarion Call to Be “Self-Made”

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I saw yet another article condemning stay-at-home moms as second class citizens. Quite frankly, the author is not worth the link in on my blog. She is worth prayers, but not a link. The argument is always the same: The self-made, individualist, materialistic, selfish woman is the REAL woman of the 21st Century. Let’s call a spade a spade shall we? Anyone who trumpets themselves as the center of the universe is struggling with selfishness. How do I know? Mainly, because like all people, I have to battle my own selfish nature. The biggest difference is that I know that my family will tear it right out of me, while rugged individualism will leave me selfish and alone.

I am not condemning women who choose to work. My mom worked part of the time we were growing up, as did most of the women in my family. No, rather, I would say that we must always prioritize properly. It is family and then career. Part of the reason I decided to stay home is because, when I enjoy my work, I am a workaholic of the worst kind. My family would suffer as my aspirations took precedence over them. I worked for 12 years before I got married. I was a workaholic. I cannot believe the hours I pulled while I was in the Navy.

What exactly does it mean to be a “self-made” woman? To own a lot of things? Make a lot of money? Promiscuity? Childlessness? Being alone? I am not sure what this phrase even means, but I hear it a lot. I think of myself as pretty “self-made”. I chose to marry my husband. I opted to stay home with our daughter. I am choosing to stay home to school her because, yes, I think that I can do better than the public schools and I assure you my daughter’s test scores will reflect that fact. This is not arrogance. It is the truth. I choose to serve my family over myself. Is it hard? You bet. I fail daily, but it is my choice. I decided that others are more important than little old me.

Let me think back to my “glorious” single days of my Twenties. I worked a lot. I had multiple careers including stints that a lot of 20 year olds could only dream of. I lived in Europe and traveled. I saw the back-stabbing, self-centered, corruption up close interning on Capitol Hill at The Heritage Foundation. I did everything that I wanted to do, but it was never enough. Why? Because “I” am never enough. I am not the center of the universe. God called me back to Him during Holy Week of 2009 and there I have stayed.

So if being a “successful” and “self-made” woman means selling my soul and my family, then I would rather keep my soul. I know what real priorities look like. There is nothing that I can buy, no men that I can date, no salary that I can make, that would take away the joy I have received in my husband and daughter. I truly feel sorry for the woman who cannot experience that joy. So you can berate women like me all you want, but we know the real secret to happiness: sacrificial love.

Dear Daughters: A Letter to Girls, Teens, and Young Women in Their Dating Years

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*A note to moms and dads: Some of this may be hard to read or understand, but this is the reality of what our daughters are facing. Things have changed drastically since we were teens.

Dear Daughters,

  You are beautiful.  Every single one of you.  You are created in the image and likeness of God.  You were made to be loved and to love others.  You have every right to be truly loved.  Our society will tell you things that are not true.  Our society will push you to do things that you do not want to do.  Our society will tell you how women are to act.  Our society will tell you how women are just like men.  This is a lie.  Yes, men and women are equal, but they are not the same.  You do not have to be a man and you should not try to make men into women.
You might be a young girl, teenager, or an adult when you stumble upon this writing.  It is meant for all daughters, but I wanted to directly speak to teens and young women who are dating.  You will get a lot of information in your short life about how you are to act, to be, and what to do.  You will be told that certain behaviors are normal and expected.  You probably heard a lot of this in your sex ed classes or other classes.  So here are a few things I want you to know.  I am a daughter.  I have been hurt by the lies.  I also have a daughter. All women deserve respect and love:
*You do not have to have sex.
*Waiting to have sex until you are married is best for you and your future husband.
*No man should expect sex from you. A man who loves you will wait for you.
*Your peers should never pressure you to have sex.
*Teen pregnancy is not “normal”. If it happens there are plenty of centers that will help you.  Planned Parenthood is not one of them. Abortion is not the answer.
*Casual sex hurts women. It hurts men too, but they are less likely to recognize it.
*It is NOT acceptable for boys and men to look at pornography. If he will not stop, then he does not deserve you and you need to move on.  You need to discuss this with your boyfriend.  He may be doing it and you do not know it.
*It is  NOT acceptable for women to look at pornography or read pornographic novels like 50 Shades of Grey.  S&M is not normal and it should not be read in a novel that portrays it as normal.  It is unhealthy, destructive, and uses people as objects.  Pornography is not just pictures and movies, it includes novels.
*No man should expect you to act like a porn star.
*No man has a right to hit you or abuse you in other ways.
*It is always the right thing to do to get help in abusive situations.  You have a right to safety, love, and justice.  If the first person you talk to will not help you, tell someone else.  Keep going until someone will help you.  Never give up.  You are worth it!!!!  The first girl I met who was being beaten up by her track star boyfriend was when I was 15.  It starts early.
*Rape is never right or acceptable.  Get help!  You deserve healing and peace.
*Abuse from family members is never right.  Get help! Talk to someone, regardless of how it impacts your family.  You deserve safety.
*Cheating (you or him) is not acceptable behavior.  Love requires devotion and loyalty.
*It is right for a woman to desire marriage, regardless of what our culture tells you. (Men want marriage too)
*Sexual promiscuity is never the answer. It only leads to pain and self-hatred. You deserve a partner who loves you for you and does not use you as an object.
*Never live with a man before you are married.  A man who will not put a ring on your finger, but will live with you, is not fully devoted to you.  Cohabitations end in break ups way more often than they do in marriages.  You deserve MARRIAGE!
*Women and men should never use drugs.  Stay away from drugs!  You have so much more to offer this world.
*Binge drinking is dangerous. It puts you in vulnerable situations that you may not be able to get out of.  Enjoying a couple of drinks is fine.  Binge drinking is not.  Regardless of what our culture tells you, you are not physically stronger than your average male.  You also do not have the physical capability of keeping as much alcohol down as a male.  Alcohol poisoning hits a lot earlier for women.  You have a long life ahead of you.  Don’t endanger yourself to fit in.
*It is a good thing to desire feminine things: motherhood, marriage, love, comfort, security, etc.  You can also desire a career and success in the workplace.  God created us as female.  The gifts we have to offer the world stem from the beauty of our femininity.  You were not created to be a man.
*Motherhood is the most important job.  It comes first. It comes before a career (you can still have one, just prioritize).  Shaping human beings is a tremendous gift, it is hard, but joy-filled.  Children help make us better and less selfish people.  It is a good thing to desire children.  It is natural.  When we do not prioritize our children, they are hurt and become resentful.  Children need their parents, even if they say the opposite.
*No one should expect you to go on birth control and that includes doctors.
*Material possessions are not more important than having a family.
*You deserve a man who works hard for you and wants to provide for his family.  Slackers need not apply.
*Not all forms of feminism are good.  In fact, the majority these days will bring you heartache and misery because they fly in the face of who you really are designed to be.
*Take a lot of what you learn about feminism and politics in school with a grain of salt. Ignore snide comments about religion.  Read and educate yourself on these topics from a variety of sources.  Learning does not end after school.
*Remember that you are so loved that God came to earth as a man and died for you.  You are worth dying for.  No matter what you have done.  Jesus Christ forgives all sins and he gives us the grace to overcome sin.  Ignore the people who mock you for this belief.  They, like you, crave love, but have not found it.
*God needs to be priority in your relationship.  Religion becomes huge in marriage.  Marrying across religions and even denominations can add stress to a marriage.  Really consider your faith before you get married.
This list is not meant to be a condemnation.  Rather, it is to show you that you are worth more than what the outside world would tell you.  Doing these things will help you find happiness and love.  You are worth so much more than what our culture would have you believe.  You are talented, unique, smart, beautiful, and gifted.  You have unique gifts to give to the world.  You deserve a man who truly understands what it is to love, and he deserves a woman who truly understands what it is to love.  God created you in His image.  That makes you beautiful beyond compare.  May God bless you on your journey.

*There will be a letter to sons coming very soon.

The Dangers of Modern Fiction and A Desire to Write

A desire to write is absolutely pushing itself upon me these days.  In fact, writing is constantly in my thoughts like when a new romance is started. I can’t explain it.  It is hard to contain and hard to balance.  I am the mother of a toddler, a wife, and about to become a postulant in the Order of Preacher (Lay Dominican).  I have a very full plate with the two vocations God has given me, does he really want me to pursue writing?

 
First, I am trying to make sure that my desire for writing comes from wanting to glorify and share Jesus Christ, and not my own pride.  This is an internal struggle, to be sure.  Second, I want my writing to improve the world, not drag it down even further.  Third, I think there is a dearth of good books for women and teenage girls that demonstrate authentic love.  Fourth, In any writing that I would do, I want my daughter to be able to read it some day without pause.
 
I am deeply concerned by the books that seem to be bestsellers.  It has always been this way. Trash sells.  Sex sells.  We just happen to live in a culture that thinks that sex is love. I am  increasingly more worried about how society’s changes in its understanding of love are affecting our daughters. Now my daughter is only two, but many women of my generation have teenagers and the majority of women in my generation are eating up these same books I am talking about.
 
Now I am not talking about Harry Potter or Twilight.  I have read both series and found them immensely entertaining.  I am not big on vampires so Twilight is a series I read once because my youngest sister was such a fan.  What I do like about the series, is that the author demonstrated chastity.  She also showed young women how much they long for a man who is devoted to them and is chaste.  I think this is a great message for young men too, even though, the audience for these books was predominantly female.
 
I like Harry Potter because it demonstrates sacrificial love: the greatest kind of love.  It is the love demonstrated on the Cross.  I will not pretend that Harry Potter is Christian Fiction, it is not.  However, it does not escape the Judeo-Christian underpinnings of Western culture.  Our understanding of love has been formed by the God-Man who sacrificed for us.  No matter how much we try to drown this out, it is still in our very bones.
 
The trend that disturbs me most is how an understanding of love and romance is shifting.  Romance novels have largely been soft pornography for women.  Yep, sorry ladies, graphic sex in print is still pornography.  I have read a few of these books in my younger days.  They are entertaining in a vapid sort of way and give women a chance to form men in their own image.  However, they are usually shallow and continue to notion that all you need is romance and passion.  They do not demonstrate sacrifice and total self-giving.
 
The new “romance” books, if you can even call them that, scare me.  Yes, I am looking at you 50 Shades of Grey.  I have not read it, because I knew immediately that it is pornography.  It was all over the Catholic blogosphere, including some Catholic moms who were supporting it.  Very concerning and if I was ever in a conversation with any of them, I would suggest a meeting with their priest, so they could clear up their misunderstanding of what is pornographic.
 
That aside.  What concerns me, is the level of violence being leveled against women and their blind acceptance of it.  Since when is S&M love?  Since when is it not repugnant not just morally, but also to the very idea of romantic love?  With the increase in Internet pornography violent crimes against women are soaring.  Boyfriends are demanding pornographic sex and women willingly do it because they think they should do it out of love.  Ladies, NO!
 
First, any man who loves you, will wait for you until your wedding night.  Second, no man should be looking at pornography.  Third, no man should demand illicit sex acts from you.  A man who truly loves, respects, and has given himself to you, understands the sacred and holy aspect of the marital act.  The very act that renews the marriage covenant each time the two are brought together.  A man who loves you wants what is best for YOU.
 
So where are the books these days the describe authentic love?  Not just romance novels, books about friendship, service, parenthood, and yes, romantic love?  Why are we not concerned that S&M is a bestseller and about to become a movie?  Our society is normalizing illicit sex and continues to objectify women, yet, we open our wallets (among other things) to pay for this objectification.
 
Mothers, check what your daughters are reading.  Teenagers are reading books like 50 Shades.  They will hide it from you.  Do you want your teenage daughter to think that S&M is a normal type of sexual expression?  Do you want her to learn sexual mores from our culture or from Christ and His Church?  Talk about this with your daughters.  Talk about pornography with your sons.  If you don’t, our culture will do it for you.
 
So while I will not be reading any pornography, I have decided to start reading some of the popular novels of our day, especially those geared towards young women.  I want to pinpoint what is lacking and by God’s grace, write something that truly demonstrates His love.  Not sentimentality.  No, authentic love.  It may be allegory.  It may be daily life.  It might be romance.  I don’t know where God is taking me on this journey.  For now, I will get a hot drink, snuggle up under a blanket and tuck into a lot of fiction this year.
 
P.S. I just finished reading Richard Paul Evans’ A Winter Dream.  I read it as a recommendation from a friend.  I read it this morning in about 3 hours.  I really enjoyed it.