Motherhood vs Talents: The Internal Battle and Trusting God

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My regular Confessor knows just how much I struggle with being a stay-at-home mom. The reasons are varied, but more than anything, I am trying to find the balance between doing what is best for my daughter and using the gifts that God has given me. I know that the best thing is for me to stay home at this point. I love being with my daughter all day, even when she is throwing her 3 year old tantrums. I get to see her develop and grow. I get to read with her and snuggle with her. I get to teach her the alphabet and about the Church. I am called to homeschool her, even though I know that will be a major challenge and sacrifice.

On the flip side of that, I get lonely and I crave intellectual stimulation at a deeper level. I have always been this way. My Dad and I spent hours talking philosophy and theology while I was in high school. That fire was stoked at a young age and has burned, even as embers, for decades. Unfortunately, this has turned my primary vocation into an internal battle ground.

There is no reason why being a stay-at-home mom should be pit against the gifts that God has given me. I turn it into a battle. I realized recently, that while I was focused on my own struggles, God has been taking care of it for me. It is possible for me to serve and teach my daughter and use the intellectual gifts that God has given me. It just happens that it will not be on my terms, but on God’s.

When I focus on gratitude and pay attention, I can see where God answers those struggles. I am a full-time graduate student. If that doesn’t fill an intellectual void then I don’t know what will. Out of nowhere an opportunity to teach theology for an online homeschooling academy popped up. I have an interview for the job today. Even if I don’t get the position, God is saying that options are available to me. I can serve my daughter and share my studies with other people. He is not asking me to sacrifice one for the other, but He is asking me to trust Him.

The world can make women feel like our only option is to work long hours outside of the home or stay home. It’s an all or nothing. Women who are stay-at-home moms are made to feel like second class citizens, while I know many women who work feel tremendous guilt for not being home. Women are not in competition with one another. We need to find the balance that works for our family and that is in line with our vocation and gifts. I made the decision before I got married that I would be home with any children we had, but that didn’t mean forever and it didn’t mean that I am lazy or lack intellectual capabilities.

I have found that these stereotypes or hostilities are most telling when someone learns about the life I had before motherhood. You did what?! As if my entire life has been me at home. You means stay-at-home moms have something to give?! It’s amusing and annoying at the same time. My husband and I both lived in Europe in our 20s before we met. I worked for government agencies and tried my hand at politics. I lived all over the U.S. As far as our culture is concerned, I truly lived in my 20s. I guess the difference is that none of those things satisfied me the way that motherhood and theological studies do.

Even though our culture can be anti-motherhood, I need to examine those areas where I have taken on that mantra. My battles come in part because I have accepted some areas of the cultural cry for productivity. That productivity is strictly defined by full-time work and long hours. I am firmly opposed to that idea.  For me, I want to find the balance between giving my daughter what she needs from me and serving others with my talents. That is where God wants me.

I need to look up more, so that I can see how God is working in my life. He provides. I have wandered a bit in the past few years as I adjust to this period of my life. It is an adjustment to go from the rugged individualism of my single life to the union of marriage and family. I am finding that this period is a lot quieter in many ways than the past. It is also noisier, at least volume wise. There is real peace in learning to live the vocation God wills for me. It takes the pressure off of me to try to figure it all out on my own.

Do you struggle in your vocation? If you do, let go. That is what my husband is always telling me. “Stop fighting it and just be.” If you haven’t figured it out by my blog, my husband has me more figured out than I do. God knows the desires of your heart and He will provide in His time. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows what we need when we need it. So utter that prayer for guidance or tell him of your dreams.  Then make sure that you are looking up to see what wonderful things He has in store for you. It probably won’t be how you expect it or want it, but what you need will come. Embrace what He gives and that storm inside will quiet.

I actually have an interview for that teaching position today. Say a prayer for me. I am looking up, and if God wills it, I will begin teaching once a week for a homeschool academy this fall. If not, then there will be more on the horizon.

Christian Living: Binding the Wounds of Our Neighbors

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We walk this earth broken, ravaged by sin.  Each of us carries deep hurts from our experiences with other people.  It could be family, friends, work, church, etc.  Wherever there are people there is such brokenness.  The problem for each one of us is that we forget that fact.  We become blinded by our own duties, experiences, and beliefs.  We see the world as ourselves and no other perspective matters.  We forget, that as Christians, we are called to bind the wounds of the world.  I forget constantly.

I am a mother.  My primary role is to protect, teach, and care for my child.  How often do I forget that all she yearns for is my love?  My authentic, selfless, and total love.  She was created with that longing.  It is in her nature as a child created in the “image and likeness of God” to desire that love.  I am to show her how to fill that restlessness and ache.  I am to love her and then show her to the way to Love.  I am to direct her to the very reason for her being and that is to look and live in love with the Holy Trinity.  To see that it is in God’s very nature, in his essence to love.  He can give no less than his infinite, gratuitous love.  He is love itself.  Yet, even though within me lies that call, how often do I turn away?  How often do I turn away from showing my daughter the answer to the question that will haunt her until her time here on earth ends?

It is not just the people within our families who are clamoring for love, acceptance, and peace.  There are so many people who do not experience those things within their families, so they seek it in others.  How often do we, do I, fail to recognize that need within my neighbor?  I am not talking about physical necessities.  I am talking about how often I fail to respond to the poverty of love in the people I meet.  How often do I refuse to enter into the suffering of someone else out of fear or apathy?

Christ came to bind our wounds.  He came to rescue us from sin and death.  Pondering the awe of the 2nd Person of the Blessed Trinity becoming man, is stifling.  The Creator of the universe looked on his beautiful creation.  He looked upon his crowning achievement, man, and knew it was good.  How do we repay him?  We abandon him to worship ourselves.  Even though we violated the very nature of God in disobeying him and choosing a counterfeit, he still would not abandon us.  He could have left us in our sin and death.  Isn’t that what we do to one another?  No, he humbled and lowered himself and took on human flesh.  He walked among us.  He entered into history that we might know and see him.  He endured our sin.  He went into the vast ugliness of sin and accepted scourging, mockery, hatred, abandonment, and torture.  He even went to the very ends of sin: death and hell.

In light of the Risen Christ, who gave everything to conquer sin and death, we must choose who we want to be.  Do I want to bind up the wounds of others?  Do I want to show Christ to my family and every person in my path?  Will I give myself as an offering day-in-and-day-out to the people God has entrusted to me?  Will I choose to follow in his steps?  Will I cling to my heart of stone or allow Christ to replace it with a heart of flesh?  These are not questions that we asks ourselves once.  This is what each one of us must choose to assent to every single day.  If I am going to choose to love God, then I am going to have to continue making that choice no matter the pain, anger, fear, or weakness that I may face.  Am I going to allow God to be greater than my sin?  Can I truly let him come into the deepest recesses of my being and heal my wounds?  I cannot bring the healing salve to others if I do not allow God to heal my hurts.

In a society that thrives on individualism, it is easy to forget and admit our brokenness, weakness, and insecurities.  I forget so easily that I am a member of the walking wounded.  That includes over 6 billion people who are on this planet right now.  All of us are wounded, whether we are consciously aware of it or not.  As Christians, we have the answer to all of the longing and emptiness of this life.  We have the Living God.  We are under the care of the Divine Physician.  It is now our call to go out and show Jesus Christ to the world.  We must start within our families and move out into the world.  God bless.  Happy Feasts of All Saints and All Souls.