On the Woundedness of Men in Our Culture from a Female Perspective

The last few days I have watched a few different movies that have gotten me thinking about people I have known in the past, as well as the state of our culture. I am not a big TV watcher, but my body and brain have needed a break before I make the push through midterms into term papers and then onto finals. Why would I even be able to speak on the topic of the wounded men in our culture? Well, because I spent much of my Twenties engrossed in the thoroughly secular culture of men and women while I was in the Navy. For a while I was the only woman on my watch-team and almost all of my friends were men. In fact, for most of my life, until marriage, my friends were predominately male. Male friends of mine have confided in me through broken relationships, promiscuous behavior, divorces, thoughts of adultery, pain, and a lot of brokenness. I am also married and observe how my husband is different from me in many ways. This is not meant to be an exhaustive account, but it is about what I have learned through my love of the men in my life from my dad, to my husband, to friends.

I watched three different movies with the same actor in them. They were thoroughly secular, especially in discussion. There was nothing graphic per say, but the discussions were anything but pure. I watched them in order to observe our culture. It reminded me of what I was privy to and observed in the past. While these films were describing a culture that is counter to the Catholic’s knowledge of truth, a bit of truth would shine through the darkness and despair of it all. These people could not tell outright that they were in despair, but I could see it. I see it on TV and I have seen it in the faces of people I have known. It is the unquenchable thirst that cannot be satiated by this world.

There are many articles and blogs on the brokenness of women in the face of the Sexual Revolution. I myself lived that lie for 3 years when I cohabited with the man I dated before my husband. A man whom I had no intention of marrying. It is the biggest regret of my life and it opened my eyes to the lie of our culture. Cohabitation is not marriage. Men and women are different. We are unique in creation, but equal in dignity. We are complementary and meant to fit together. Men are not meant to be women and women are not meant to be men. Today I want to focus on cultural tendencies and the way we treat men, especially how women treat men.

1. Men are sexual animals who are incapable of monogamy.

I have heard this statement a lot, not just in media, but from friends. Yes, men are wired in a more sexual manner than women. They think about sex all of the time, but as I read earlier today, that does not mean that men are incapable of self-control. What kind of message do we send to men by this accusation? When we accuse men of only being capable of promiscuous sex, what are we demanding of them? For women, nothing. We discard them and either give into this tendency or treat these men with disdain. Yes, I have known some real jerks. I had conversations with a few Marines I dated that I never expected to have, but I stood my ground. But in my youth, anger, and rush to judgment, I discarded them. Now I wasn’t going to continue to date men who were only interested in using me for sex. First, I practiced abstinence the entire 6 years I served and did not make an error in judgment until I was 26. But, I should have paid more attention to what was going on. I should have seen all of the pain going on around me in both men and women. It was everywhere.

Men tend to be promiscuous for a few reasons. First, women have given in and believe that they must be promiscuous as well. Women have bought the lie that promiscuous sex is the answer to true freedom. Tell that to my female friends who slept with entire platoons of men, who came home crying and broken, only to do it again. Men actually do need guidance from women. It is not that men are incapable of self-control, but they need the help of their partner, as does the woman in the situation. The sexual passion is one of the strongest forces on earth and men and women should be helping each other practice self-control. Sometimes men need more help than women. It’s okay to admit that.

Second, men who are aggressively promiscuous are usually wounded and hurting. They go through woman after woman in order to erase a relationship or relationships from the past. It is their way of numbing the pain or it is their revenge. I have known quite a few men like this. I have seen this depicted in multiple movies, but it is something that we don’t pay much attention to. Men are suppose to be incapable of suffering and pain, so we brush it off. They are getting their fill of sex, so why does it matter that the root of their pain is not being addressed? No one encourages the man in this situation to heal. Instead our culture applauds his conquests. We need to start acknowledging that men feel pain. It may be different from a woman’s pain, but it is no less deep.

Third, these men usually come from families that were either broken or lacked a strong mother or father. Promiscuity usually points to a lack in understanding of how men and women should interact. They either lacked a father to show them how to treat women with respect or a mother to show them how to love women. Once again this is a problem that our culture wants to ignore because the reality of fatherlessness, divorce, adultery, etc. points to the brokenness of that way of life.

2. Men are expendable.

As women have convinced themselves that their sexual freedom rests in being like a promiscuous male, a discard culture has emerged that is the opposite of what many men do to women. Women are discarding men all together. They use the men and then throw them to the curb, including many women who have become pregnant. How often do we see the go it alone mother who doesn’t need the man who impregnated her? How often do we see depictions of women in their 30s or 40s going to a sperm bank in order to have a child without a male partner? Whether we believe it or not, men absorb this sentiment. They know that they are seen as expendable by many women and so they in turn treat women in that manner. So we end up with the sexes competing and discarding one another, and then everyone wonders why marriage is falling apart?! Is it really so shocking that people in the generation behind mine are not getting married? With this lack of trust, what would make someone want to marry? The sexes are not meant to use and abuse one another, but love and serve one another as Christ loves the Church.

3. Men are stupid.

One of the reasons I loathe post-modern sitcoms is because of how men are depicted. In almost every single one of them, the father is an impotent and idiotic man who can get nothing right and the woman has to fix him. This is so offensive! Men are incapable of fathering, men are incapable of grocery shopping, men are incapable of providing for their families, and the list goes on and on and on. No matter what the man cannot get it right. ONLY a woman can do things in the proper fashion. What do we think this does to men?

It creates a generation of men who lack work ethic and direction. Men need to provide for their families. Men need purpose, as do women, but those purposes are equal but different. Men need work. But if women tell them they are useless and stupid all of the time, then they stop trying. They lose that sense of purpose that God gave them. They lose that sense of who God made them to be. When a man falls in love and desires to marry a woman, it means that he is willing to die for the person he is marrying. He will give everything to her. This is not sentiment. This is reality. This is how men are wired. There is a reason men are the ones who go to war. They instinctively grasp honor, courage, and selfless sacrifice for their loved ones and the brothers next to them. This is not something to be mocked. It is something to be admired. Men are not stupid. They just aren’t women. That is the real issue.

4. Men should be more like women.

Yes, there have been great strides made in men becoming more involved in the home life. This is a positive, but men are not women, nor should they be asked to be. I struggle in this department. I am constantly telling my husband to stop trying to fix everything and just let me vent. Well, men fix things. If someone they love is hurting, they just want to fix it. Well, women sometimes just need to talk it out. This is a balancing act that they have to work out within their marriage. That being said, we cannot expect our husbands or boyfriends to be like our best girlfriend. My husband is never going to enjoy going to the ballet, a musical, or a chick flick. I cannot expect him to love it. He goes with me, because he loves me and I go to movies or other activities with him. Marriage is about compromise, but we cannot expect or force our interests, especially more feminine interests on them. Some men love these things and that is great, but my husband is not one of them. I have to accept that about him.

Men and women think differently. In one of the movies I was watching the married couple was having a fight that sounded exactly like one I would have with my husband. Men don’t like fighting. They just want to know when it will be over and they can fix the problem. Women on the other hand may want to vent and pout. The point is that none of us are mind readers and I cannot expect a man to think as I do. So let’s stop!  Men are not women and women are not men. That’s okay!  That’s how God made us. We are still equals even if we are different.

Conclusion

The woundedness that I have seen in both men and women is heart-breaking. The real answer is in Christ and His Church, but I wanted to share some of my own experiences and observations. Sometimes we women railroad men too much, and that includes inside of the Church. I will address the latter in a post at a later date. It’s important for us to remember that men hurt and suffer, that they are not stupid, not incapable of love, and that they are meant to be men. If we want to heal the culture then we have to stop treating men poorly in the name of feminism. Men are capable of great things and they deserve our love and respect. If, like me, you struggle with some of these tendencies, make an effort to overcome the lies of our culture. God bless.

Dear Daughters: A Letter to Girls, Teens, and Young Women in Their Dating Years

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*A note to moms and dads: Some of this may be hard to read or understand, but this is the reality of what our daughters are facing. Things have changed drastically since we were teens.

Dear Daughters,

  You are beautiful.  Every single one of you.  You are created in the image and likeness of God.  You were made to be loved and to love others.  You have every right to be truly loved.  Our society will tell you things that are not true.  Our society will push you to do things that you do not want to do.  Our society will tell you how women are to act.  Our society will tell you how women are just like men.  This is a lie.  Yes, men and women are equal, but they are not the same.  You do not have to be a man and you should not try to make men into women.
You might be a young girl, teenager, or an adult when you stumble upon this writing.  It is meant for all daughters, but I wanted to directly speak to teens and young women who are dating.  You will get a lot of information in your short life about how you are to act, to be, and what to do.  You will be told that certain behaviors are normal and expected.  You probably heard a lot of this in your sex ed classes or other classes.  So here are a few things I want you to know.  I am a daughter.  I have been hurt by the lies.  I also have a daughter. All women deserve respect and love:
*You do not have to have sex.
*Waiting to have sex until you are married is best for you and your future husband.
*No man should expect sex from you. A man who loves you will wait for you.
*Your peers should never pressure you to have sex.
*Teen pregnancy is not “normal”. If it happens there are plenty of centers that will help you.  Planned Parenthood is not one of them. Abortion is not the answer.
*Casual sex hurts women. It hurts men too, but they are less likely to recognize it.
*It is NOT acceptable for boys and men to look at pornography. If he will not stop, then he does not deserve you and you need to move on.  You need to discuss this with your boyfriend.  He may be doing it and you do not know it.
*It is  NOT acceptable for women to look at pornography or read pornographic novels like 50 Shades of Grey.  S&M is not normal and it should not be read in a novel that portrays it as normal.  It is unhealthy, destructive, and uses people as objects.  Pornography is not just pictures and movies, it includes novels.
*No man should expect you to act like a porn star.
*No man has a right to hit you or abuse you in other ways.
*It is always the right thing to do to get help in abusive situations.  You have a right to safety, love, and justice.  If the first person you talk to will not help you, tell someone else.  Keep going until someone will help you.  Never give up.  You are worth it!!!!  The first girl I met who was being beaten up by her track star boyfriend was when I was 15.  It starts early.
*Rape is never right or acceptable.  Get help!  You deserve healing and peace.
*Abuse from family members is never right.  Get help! Talk to someone, regardless of how it impacts your family.  You deserve safety.
*Cheating (you or him) is not acceptable behavior.  Love requires devotion and loyalty.
*It is right for a woman to desire marriage, regardless of what our culture tells you. (Men want marriage too)
*Sexual promiscuity is never the answer. It only leads to pain and self-hatred. You deserve a partner who loves you for you and does not use you as an object.
*Never live with a man before you are married.  A man who will not put a ring on your finger, but will live with you, is not fully devoted to you.  Cohabitations end in break ups way more often than they do in marriages.  You deserve MARRIAGE!
*Women and men should never use drugs.  Stay away from drugs!  You have so much more to offer this world.
*Binge drinking is dangerous. It puts you in vulnerable situations that you may not be able to get out of.  Enjoying a couple of drinks is fine.  Binge drinking is not.  Regardless of what our culture tells you, you are not physically stronger than your average male.  You also do not have the physical capability of keeping as much alcohol down as a male.  Alcohol poisoning hits a lot earlier for women.  You have a long life ahead of you.  Don’t endanger yourself to fit in.
*It is a good thing to desire feminine things: motherhood, marriage, love, comfort, security, etc.  You can also desire a career and success in the workplace.  God created us as female.  The gifts we have to offer the world stem from the beauty of our femininity.  You were not created to be a man.
*Motherhood is the most important job.  It comes first. It comes before a career (you can still have one, just prioritize).  Shaping human beings is a tremendous gift, it is hard, but joy-filled.  Children help make us better and less selfish people.  It is a good thing to desire children.  It is natural.  When we do not prioritize our children, they are hurt and become resentful.  Children need their parents, even if they say the opposite.
*No one should expect you to go on birth control and that includes doctors.
*Material possessions are not more important than having a family.
*You deserve a man who works hard for you and wants to provide for his family.  Slackers need not apply.
*Not all forms of feminism are good.  In fact, the majority these days will bring you heartache and misery because they fly in the face of who you really are designed to be.
*Take a lot of what you learn about feminism and politics in school with a grain of salt. Ignore snide comments about religion.  Read and educate yourself on these topics from a variety of sources.  Learning does not end after school.
*Remember that you are so loved that God came to earth as a man and died for you.  You are worth dying for.  No matter what you have done.  Jesus Christ forgives all sins and he gives us the grace to overcome sin.  Ignore the people who mock you for this belief.  They, like you, crave love, but have not found it.
*God needs to be priority in your relationship.  Religion becomes huge in marriage.  Marrying across religions and even denominations can add stress to a marriage.  Really consider your faith before you get married.
This list is not meant to be a condemnation.  Rather, it is to show you that you are worth more than what the outside world would tell you.  Doing these things will help you find happiness and love.  You are worth so much more than what our culture would have you believe.  You are talented, unique, smart, beautiful, and gifted.  You have unique gifts to give to the world.  You deserve a man who truly understands what it is to love, and he deserves a woman who truly understands what it is to love.  God created you in His image.  That makes you beautiful beyond compare.  May God bless you on your journey.

*There will be a letter to sons coming very soon.